black midnights and bright mornings

I am a sucker for a warm piece of cake straight out of the oven. I have difficulty waiting for it to cool before slicing off a 'tester' piece. (It's very important to test before giving it to others. You may find you need to test quite a few pieces, this is essential for quality control.) Today I adapted Betty Crocker's classic 'Black Midnight Cake' -- If you hunt down one cookbook in your life, hunt down the old school 1969/1972 version of the Betty Crocker cookbook. It never lets you down, always has a brilliant recipe for whatever you want and has a fab vintage/retro feel, largely because it is. 

Anyway, I bake to relax, to unwind and to think, and this afternoon was no different. I was reflecting on a good morning at church and enjoying spending time with God in the main meeting. This is no mean feat when you have 2 small boys and a husband who is up the front doing music or announcements or preaching, just generally leading- often a Sunday morning can feel something of a mini marathon. Now, I'm not gonna lie, it is hard to stay expectant for God to move in your heart when you are simultaneously spooning spaghetti hoops into a toddlers mouth while getting a fire engine sticker out of his hair, and with the other hand doing 'magic fingers' for a baby and singing "We bow down" while actually on your knees doing all these things!  But this morning I found that if I just kept one part of my brain quietly in love with God while doing all these other things, it was like being lifted out of a black midnight into a bright morning. For in God's eyes, I'm not a beleaguered mummy, I'm a beloved child, and in the words of one of my favourite hymns:

"Ransomed, healed, restored, forgiven,

Who like me His praise should sing."

If you hunt down one truth in your life, hunt down this:

"The chief end of man is to glorify God and to enjoy him forever." (Westminster Catechism)

I am made not for myself, not for making cake, not for others, not for wiping children's noses, not for something nebulus, not for something unknown. I am made for this- to know God, to love Him, to live my life to glorify Him, to enjoy knowing him, to enjoy loving him. Knowing that truth, deep in my heart, makes many black midnights turn into bright mornings.



Black Midnight Cake (adapted)

2 1/4 cups plain flour

1 2/3 cups sugar (I make 1/3 of a cup dark brown sugar)

2/3 cup cocoa powder

1 1/4 tsp baking soda

1 tsp salt

1/4 tsp baking powder

3/4 cup dairy free marg (you can use butter or shortening)

2 eggs

1 tsp vanilla

1 1/4 cup water

Heat oven to 180C/ 350F. Grease a 13x9 pan. Pop all the ingredient in a big mixing bowl and beat together until smooth. Tip: add the water in stages so there's less of a splashy mess when you turn the beaters on.  Pour into the pan and into the oven for about 40 minutes or until a toothpick in the centre comes out clean. Cool in the pan, cut into squares and enjoy the fudgy yummyness.





the bungee jump of motherhood

Sometimes, I imagine that the leap into motherhood, is rather like bungee jumping off a bridge. You've heard about it, you probably know some people who've done it, you've read a little bit about it, watched some videos maybe, but nothing, absolutely nothing prepares you for the free fall 'O my life...what have I just done...can't go back....ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh' of actually doing it. The free fall may last seconds, minutes, days or months, but on the bounce back up you start thinking...
'I can do this, this is fantastic!'
There will be days that feel like just the free fall and days that feel like the bounce back, but you've jumped. And that means that you are brave, courageous and adventurous, you have a sense of humour, some serious faith in your own abilities, and you go for it.
I don't think its just one jump either. Everyday as a mother you jump again! You've no idea what the day will bring, what highs, what lows, what the bounce will be like, where the free fall will happen. You just jump.

I've had a really reflective day today, we had dinner with old friends last night (the boys were beautifully behaved, it was amazing, I could have crushed Joel with happy hugs he was so good at that restaurant) Anyway, at one point in the evening I was asked how I liked motherhood, because he'd heard a rumour that at first I regretted it. Not so much. I miss high heels, I miss showering everyday, I miss sleeping through the night, I miss finishing a cup of tea before its cold, I miss having the headspace to follow politics and remember what's going on because its been taken up with random knowledge about Bob the Builder and Peppa Pig, but I do not, not ever, regret it. 

If anything all day today I've been cuddling the little one close, watching him sleep, delighting in his little giggles because we've always said, 2 is our limit. And if 2 is our limit, then this is the last time I'll have a little baby to snuggle up in towels after a bath, to have stroke my face as he falls asleep, and smile up at me after he wakes up . I want to savour every bit of this, because these little boys are my little miracles, and even on the free fall days, I'm so glad I jumped.

I love watching them grow and develop, I love that Joel makes pretend games and uses all the cushions to create mountains and flat bed trucks (I'm still working that one out.) I love how he gets all muddy going through the 'deep cuddles' (he doesn't say puddles properly) I love that he eats certain letters of his alphabet shaped potato first, and that he has favourites (B, F and W) I love that he wants to hug Luke and when he does Luke giggles and giggles. I love it when Joel wants to have bathtime with baby Luke. I love it when he comes bursting into the kitchen saying "Its train time Mummy!" (Obviously.)  I love it that when he really wants something he goes all super polite: "Please read tractor book with Joel in Joel's bed Mummy" I love that he thanks Jesus for trucks, tractors and the sheep in the barn all snuggled up with blankets going sleep now. I love being a mummy. I love a house filled with laughter, and I love the quietness of after bedtime and the joy of some time to reflect, to pray, to read, to ready myself for another day of jumping...

"I will praise you, O Lord, with all my heart;..I will praise your name for your love and your faithfulness, for you have exalted above all things your name and your word. When I called, you answered me, you made me bold and stouthearted." Psalm 138:1-3